Lately, I’ve been struggling intensively with attempts to close several chapters in my life. It all feels a lot like a book you’re so physically invested in that you don’t want to turn the last page in fear of an unexpected ending.
The brink of graduation has been the same. I can see it on the horizon but I want to stay in my play pretend. The thought of not constantly being busy in the city and starting all over cripples my insides.
So when it finally occurred to me that this was it, these were my final weeks in a place I spent more time in than home, I realized it was time to embrace change, whether I liked it or not. I wrote 4 cover letters in one night, waited for acceptances like it was my birthday, and felt rejected like the person I love the most in the world didn’t wish me.
I feel somewhat defeated and greatly burnt out.
Moving on has never been my strong suit, but I’m not sure if it’s anyone’s because more than change, we’re afraid of the unknown. It’s hard to accept an end of an era. Nostalgia becomes a bitch everytime you try to overcome denial, especially before bed.
Down the road somehow, four years of being on time and twice as productive and thrice as hard working during my undergrad career became a way of life instead of a phase. Now, with no masters acceptances or job offers, here’s me taking a seat and letting shit happen. Failing some assignments, ending some relationships, canceling some trips, and letting change take the wheel.
Note: Taking a breather is not giving up. It is refueling to come back stronger and better. Not having a to z figured out is okay.
What I’ve learned is that change doesn’t have to always be a bang, it can also be a whimper. I don’t know if it’s therapeutic for me to accept taking a rest or stupid of me to not panic for not diving head first into another chapter immediately, but whatever it is, it’s needed. Because if we don’t change, we don’t grow, and if we don’t grow, we’re not living.