In Peru last year, a shaman told me I carried an intense fear in my heart. Through a translator, he said it was an animal guarding me while holding me hostage.

I like to think he was being ~ poetic ~ about my undiagnosed anxiety.

Travelling is often associated with the outgoing, extroverted personality types. The type the zodiac girlies told me I was because ~ Sagittarius ~

As of late, though, shit’s been bad. Mundane things I enjoy, like the gym or a chill session with my nephews, require a lot of mental prep.

I have these periods of sometimes weeks where I can’t leave home. Getting mail or answering texts leaves me staring at walls for hours. On really bad days come the shakes, the cold sweats, or the panic attacks followed by a hearty serving of self-loath. The sole thought of being in front of people locks my joints.

I’m not a professional, so here is a resource that lays out the basics of anxiety.

But why are you so anxious, Zahra?

Where do I start? Capitalism. Global warming. Constantly reading and writing about bad news. Building a marriage. My inability to pay attention for more than three seconds at a time. Fear of routine. Fear of slipping outside societal standards of beauty. Wasting the “good years” of life. Failure to pinpoint what makes me happy decades into life. Friends I miss. Going to hell. Disappointing my family…. The list goes on, but let’s not get too deep for this one.

The tug of war over the last few months between several moves and finding a routine in a 9-5 has made me desperate to unearth myself from these feelings. When I told my partner, he suggested (and partly funded) my solo trip to Mexico City.

Why Mexico City?

I’d been to Mexico before, so it felt familiar. It was close time zone-wise but far enough to challenge my comfort zone. It had all the facilities of a big on-the-beaten-path city while still dawning a stark difference in language and culture.

If I could find my way in a new city, experiment with a new language or even sit on a public bench alone, I could maybe feel a sense of accomplishment and fake myself into being that social, confident, pre-pandemic me again (that’s what I thought, anyways).

Knowing all well that solo travel cannot cure mental health issues, I decided to try it anyways because being in my head wasn’t doing me any favours.

Did solo travelling Mexico City cure my anxiety?

LOL no. The embarrassment of having no friends, the confusion of a google maps malfunction in the middle of the street, the loneliness of eating alone – it killed me.

I was in a gorgeous city I’d never been to before, and I was spending entire evenings at libraries because it’s one of the only places it didn’t feel totally weird to be alone. I keep telling myself that if I took cute pics, wore cute OOTDs, or smiled when I couldn’t remember the words for “cheque, please”, I’d solve myself.

Alas – that was not the case. But there are some small things I did that helped me enjoy my travels despite the soul-crushing discomfort of being alone.

Planning, meticulously

If there is one thing that gets my heart racing in all the wrong ways is feeling like I don’t belong somewhere. We all know the feeling: You’re on your way somewhere, moving, but the blue dot on google maps is not. You stop in your tracks, look in circles, and feel like you’re getting in everyone’s way. Literally hate that shit.

To avoid it, I plan – meticulously. I scan the neighbourhood I’m staying in for convenience stores, coffee shops, and bus stops. I’ve also tried to use street view to go to the metro station from my accommodation so I don’t struggle too hard IRL. I add in quick translations of phrases like “how much” or “where is…” to memorize later on the plane. Another thing I do is make a list of phone numbers and addresses I may need in case of an emergency, like the local equivalent of 911 or directions to the closest Canadian embassy.

Knowing I’ve got the bases covered helps me calm down closer to the flights. If I feel anxious, I reassure myself by scrolling through this doc.

I’ve done a blog before on how I plan, so if you need help, it’s here.

Go to places where being alone is embraced

I spent so much time in museums on this trip, it’s actually stupid. It’s one of those places where it’s encouraged to stare at walls and not speak.

Some of my favourites from this trip were the Chapultepec Castle (National History Museum), Museo Soumaya, Museo de Arte Moderno, and the Frida Kahlo Museum.

Another place I’ve come to love is libraries. CDMX has a world-famous one called Biblioteca Vasconcelos. Even if you don’t want to read, work or study, you can watch a movie or scroll TikTok on their Wi-Fi until you reenergize for whatever’s next.

Become a regular

It’s hard to do this if you’re not in the same city for long, but if you’re scheduled to be put in a place for several days, find a café you like. It’s hard to go alone the first time, but I find it easier after building familiarity (with the menu, staff, bathroom directions, and Wi-Fi password) the second or third time around. There was a café called Café Viajero close to my Airbnb, which I went to for breakfast almost every day. The waitress eventually learned my name, and I learned to feel less uncomfortable eating there alone.

Build a routine

I’m a big fan of this one and a bit frustrated that I didn’t get to pursue it in CDMX. I’d found some salsa and bachata classes I wanted to take, but the studio closed down during the pandemic, and no one updated the website. I also tried hitting up a gym close to my place. They wanted me to lock in for the four-month price, so I had to press a hard pass.

But I’ve tried this on other trips, and it’s been great. Doing something you love or are good at can help you feel more comfortable and confident with your surroundings. It also puts you in a room with like-minded people you can maybe chat with. Other things to try are language classes, running leagues, or any post-work activities you do at home.

Pack an activity

Have a hobby that’s transportable? Lean in to. Knitting? Reading? Drawing? Puzzles? All valid. You can do these on long bus rides, in the park, at the beach or in a café. When I feel my anxiety kicking in or if I’m just feeling judged for being alone, I write. My pen and notebook are always with me. I often don’t have anything worth writing about, so I doodle or just jot down objects I see.

Pick your accommodation wisely

I am usually a hostel girlie because it’s easy to meet people and make friends, but this time around, I just needed some guaranteed quiet time for work and, ultimately, a place I could escape social pressures and judgement. Maybe I made the wrong call, and it worsened the situation, I don’t know. High-five for reading this far anyways.

Book the tours

Just because you’re anxious does not mean you want to be alone. The easiest way to get around the process of friend-making is by booking a group tour. I’ve used Airbnb Experience and GetYourGuide often for bookings, and I’ve yet to be disappointed.

Other small shit

• Get a phone plan so you can scroll and shoo away the bad thoughts.
• 2023 doesn’t have flying cars, but we sure as fuck have Uber Eats. Don’t want to sit in public and eat? Don’t.
• Find a room with a decent window or balcony so instead of staring at a wall in your accommodation, you can stare at the walls of other buildings from your accommodation.

Anyways, I’ve been sitting on this blog for way too long, so I’m just going to post it without a conclusion because it’s my blog, and I can do whatever I want.

It’s important to not listen to a person with zero medical knowledge when it comes to mental health so please use professional resources like this to seek help.